I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish i was in the wii world.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
