Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize