I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
dude. I can hear the air.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
