when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
