it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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