i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
