I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
