He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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