I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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