I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
