I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
