Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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