So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
