I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
