Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
