Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
is wine microwaveable?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
