I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
