I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
