So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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