I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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