He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my phone needs a breathalizer
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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