tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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