i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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