I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
