I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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