you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
