I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
