Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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