I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
