forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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