Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
