Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
