I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
