Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
