How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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