the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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