3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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