She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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