He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
