My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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