I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
