if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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