making cat noises will not fix the situation.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
