Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
