Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
