i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
