I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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