Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
