i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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