That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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