Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
