He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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