I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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