So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
my poor anus
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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