i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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