I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
