my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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