I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
